no longer home

I went to an all women's college. This is important.

I experienced my first year, poli-sci 101, "holy shit, it's all a lie!" political awakening in the wake of 9/11. I do not intend to downplay the significance of that event by using it as a backdrop for my own, nascent sort-of-radicalness, but this is important, too.

And for me, it was backdrop. I wasn't directly affected. I understood the pain and horror of that event the only way one so far removed can - through a lens, through a filter, through as much empathy as one can stand before bleeding from the ears. My awareness was nothing but a faint echo, a shadow, a vague unease.

Campus was quiet. People were slow and sad and lonely and worried and scared. And when the quiet faded, and the rage kicked in, I watched classmates and discussion partners and news outlets turn rabid. My first tears were not for the victims of the attack, but for a hallmate who suggested, on multiple occaisions, that we should "bomb them all" - referring to whom, exactly, I'm not sure - she was just referring to that other, that them.




I found solace in those who could whisper about our nation's hypocrisy, who wrote thank-you letters to Russ Feingold - five thank-you letters lost forever, perhaps, in the angry piles of threats.

We attended some of the first anti-war protests in that little town, joked about Uncle John reading our e-mails. We made white arm bands with peace signs. We joined Move On. We joined the campus chapter of Amnesty International.

We bonded in despair, in frustration, in the new pain of complete disillusionment. We took a special topics class on Pinochet's Chile and wondered how long it would be until American citizens started vanishing. We read conspiracy theories.

We were a part of something, though - or we thought we were. We were the marginalized Left. We were the voices of dissent. We were prophetic. We knew the U.S. didn't give a fuck about the women of Afghanistan. We had read the history.

I went to an all-women's college. This is important.

This learning and understanding and letter-writing and protesting and coffe-shop discussing - it was in the company of women.

Why does that matter?

Because I found a home there. I was part of something. I was part of a community - people who thought we could change the world. People who recognized my ability to affect change through whatever means seemed most appropriate at the time.

It was beautiful, and it was a lie. Let us set aside the older, wiser, and more cynical version of me who knows that none of us really change the world very much, because that's not the point. The point is that the small, special, insulated corner of progressivism that I inhabited didn't exist anywhere else.

I didn't know that.

I didn't know that outside of that small, special, insulated corner, these issues belong to men.

I know it now, and it still surprises me. Nevermind, it doesn't surprise, not any more.

It hurts.

That may seem like an unnecessarily long introduction to a post that is really about some ignorant comments I found at a progressive news site. But my women's studies 101, "holy shit, it's all a lie!" feminist awakening came much later than my generalized disillusionment with capitalism, our government, and the media. I believe that it was delayed, in part, because I was insulated. I was protected. I spent formative years in an environment designed around the core idea that women's contributions matter.

So when a popular progressive news site posts an article about women, I don't always expect what I find there. It catches me off guard, catches me in the chest, reminds me in one hard, bright instant that there are places that I don't belong.

This article, entitled, "Single Women Fend for Themselves in Recession" produced 8 comments. Here are 3 of them. (A large helping of WHAT ABOUT THE MEN with a side of "women have it so good.")

Tom Joad August 16th, 2010 7:37 pm
I have no doubt that single women of color have much more to overcome than their married white counterparts, but my guess is that single men of color aren't exactly sailing the seas in their yachts. Why is the author not citing any stats about men of color who are in prisons in Amerikkka, are unemployed, or undereducated?

ardent1 August 17th, 2010 10:54 am
Then why are there no articles about single men making up the ranks of the homeless? Single men in prison? Single men making up so much of the unemployed, Amitola? Single men dying so much younger in life than single women?

mujeriego August 17th, 2010 8:48 am
at least they dont have to pay for their own drinks

An article about CODEPINK produces a reminder, that even in the midst of discussion of women's activism, we're really only valued for who we fuck:

george r August 24th, 2010 12:00 am

That was so refreshing. Women are going to have to lead this movement. Refuse to sleep with these war mongers. Refuse to sleep with republicans. Refuse to sleep with the rich war mongers especially. As long as these men can get beautiful women to sleep with them we are all screwed.

One about women's suffrage produces these:

Martian Bachelor August 25th, 2010 11:25 am
Women won't lose their right to vote or have abortions. Any loss women have men will have too. If a country had it where men were being denied the right to vote, no media source would publish this. Now how about helping us guys out on our fashion freedoms? Women can dress any way they please but if men try they get called gay.

dreamjoehill August 26th, 2010 1:23 pm
Hey Peter. You sound like a feminist man, in othe words a complete chump.

and this beauty. edited for length. trigger warning for physical and sexual assault.

george r August 25th, 2010 7:07 pm
... Statistics show that women seldom ever go out with a man that makes less than they do or have less status. My last girl friend told me all she looked for was EP. Earning potential.... Right now I am recovering emotionally from the last women who used me and abused me. I never yelled or hit this last girl, but the rich old guy (30 years older than her) verbally and physically abuses her just like her former high status boy friend did for 14 years. I am beginning to wish I could treat women as EP,
earning potential and just verbally and physically abuse them.... I am beginning to understand now how pimps keep their girls loyal to them.. Good luck to all you decent women out there who have to suffer for your sisters immorality. My experience with women who get beat and my advice to you is quit cheating on your boy friends.... I think if I ever get well off I would have no choice knowing what I know about 98% of women. They don't get with you for love so treat them like shit. How sad for men to have to think this way to protect themselves emotionally. Oh women quit sleeping with the rich war mongers who are destroying the country to satisfy your greed.

I don't know how else to read that besides, "how dare you talk about women's struggles! I will threaten you with violence if you dare take your attention from the men!"

I understand these examples are pretty extreme. So how about this:

quickstepper August 26th, 2010 11:59 am
... It will always be difficult for female public figures to rise above the demeaning and condescending coverage that they receive as long as they continue to acknowledge it.

It's all your fault, ladies. Just ignore the misogyny and it will go away. More subtle, still painful.

Most of the articles on this site are not about women. This is what happens when they are. This is what happens when women attempt to bring their interests, their concerns, their ideas, into the world. This is what happens, not in a right-wing, conservative, or fundamentalist space, but at a site the prides itself on being the most popular progressive news spot on the web. This is what happens in any space that isn't created specifically to be a safe space for women's issues, and is not heavily policed.

And I knew this already. And anyone who is going to read this knew it already. But it bears saying, I think, because for a brief period in my idealistic youth I had an experience of a place where the "what about the men" police didn't come out of hiding every time I opened my mouth.

It was beautiful.

P.S. The comments above generally did provoke rebukes and other responses - some from men and some from women. I don't think that makes the initial comments any less offensive or damaging.

P.P.S. The college I so idealize in this piece? It is now co-ed.