It's as if someone took a list of things that they have found unpleasant or problematic in their personal relationships, then ran that list through some sort of automated stereotype enhancer fueled by sitcoms and really terrible commercials.
(Oh, wait, I think we call that overculture.)
This shit is everywhere, and that's part of what makes me so very angry. Even friends who are otherwise rather enlightened seem to want to post Facebook memes about "Things Women Say" or "Stuff Men Think" or "Something Offensive Whatever."
Here is a perfect example of the wisdom that pours out of having very little life experience but watching a shit-ton of mainstream TV about tedious and unsatisfying heterosexual relationships: "She's a Keeper: 15 Signs that Your Girlfriend is 'The One'".
I have read it, so you don't have to! In less than 2500 words I will distill this bit of garbage into something that makes even a tidbit of sense. Scroll to the bottom for 7 Obvious Signs That Your Relationship Isn't Total Crap.
(Oh, and...the original article has pictures. Trust me when I say they are terrible.)
1) "She is a good cook."
We're off to a winning fucking start, right here. But stripped of the misogynistic expectation that women belong in the kitchen, scantily clad, we find... actually, not much. This guy (we'll call him Mr. Lonely hereafter) is an asshole.
If it's important to you that your partner know how to cook, fine. Maybe you love to cook also, and you like sharing that with someone you're very close to! Maybe you really hate cooking and you'd like to have someone in your life who would take primary responsibility in that area. Maybe you'll be lucky and find someone who loves to cook but despises laundry, which is your great passion in life.
Having compatible styles and interests in the realm of maintenance and care of a household is probably important for a long-term relationship, especially if you ever plan to live with the person, but I don't think it belongs at number one. Other things should be given a higher priority - like, say, basic respect and common interests.
File under: You know how to share responsibilities because you're both adults.
2) "She understands man movie references."
Mmm, MAN MOVIE. We all know that life is made up of distinct Man Culture and Woman Culture and there is very little overlap or cross-over! And the chicks, they just don't get your references, if you happen to be a man. I know this is true because they make jokes about it...in movies...um, yeah.
How about: you have enough common interest and shared cultural experience that you are able to have meaningful conversations and discussions without having to explain every passing allusion. It could be a certain genre of film, or Beat Lit, or early steam engines. Or: maybe you share very few of these things because you have almost no shared cultural experience, but really enjoy explaining them to each other.
File under: You have things in common and enjoy each other's company.
3) "She finds you amusing."
This one's not so bad until you read the blurb where, Mr. Lonely specifically tells us he's cautioning against those who think "your jokes are racist, sexist, or any other "ist"...."
So we know you're an asshole, Mr. Lonely! But underneath that thick haze of no-clue, you are making a good point: you and your partner should have compatible senses of humor and compatible world-views. If your partner routinely says things that are deeply offensive to you, or vice versa, this does not a good combination make.
File under: You have things in common and enjoy each other's company.
4) "Sexual chemistry."
Aw, you lost your parallel structure! I'd forgive you if I didn't already feel a deep and seething hatred of you from your really unforgivable article.
But I agree, Mr. Lonely, sex is important, assuming we're talking about a sexual relationship. That's kind of a no-brainer. I actually think this was just a good place for you to use the phrase "put out" and mock the idea that it's even possible for a woman to have more sex drive than her male partner. SO CONTROVERSIAL! I mean, it's not like it's the major theme of almost every terrible sitcom
But it is important, this sex thing. Wanting about the same type, at about the same frequency - being able to have an enjoyable and mutually comfortable arrangement? I get your point.
File under: You are sexually compatible.
5) "She tolerates your farts."
It's not like women have digestive systems! They don't even eat, they just cook, half-naked, for the amusement of men!
I am starting to realize why you're so lonely, Mr. Lonely. You have none of my sympathy.
Different people have different levels of comfort and decorum around these topics, and your level of comfort should be compatible with that of your partner. If you are the type of person who goes into the bathroom and closes the door to blow your nose, you probably won't be comfortable with someone who belches entire sentences after hir second beer.
File under: You are comfortable around each other.
6) "Intelligence."
"Not all women need to be smart," Mr. Lonely tells us, and I for one am grateful on behalf of all the women everywhere in the world that we don't all have to intelligent! Thanks for the permission. We were all trying to live up to you!
The entire concept of intelligence is a bit of an issue, one that I'm not going to analyze here. But if you read a lot, you might want to be with someone who does as well. If you're seriously artistic, it might be important to share that with someone. Wait, didn't we cover this already?
File under: You have things in common and enjoy each other's company.
7) "She is not always right."
"A woman who concedes that you might be right...is a diamond in the rough." Oh, Mr. Lonely - this is just a sad case of you universalizing your experience! I am willing to bet that people rarely admit that you are right, because you're probably not. Ever.
Still. Being able to admit fault when appropriate? Important for all people whenever in relationships of any kind with any other people.
File under: You share a mutual respect and practice open communication.
8) "She is fine with giving you space."
Becuzzz.... the ladies, they are so needy! And they want to see you ALL THE TIME because you are SEW AWSUM, Mr. Lonely! I feel your pain, because I've known a lot of people who were really clingy and obsessive and controlling in relationships, regardless of gender. I mean, wait - LADIES.
It's good to have separate interests and some alone time. It is even better to have a compatible understanding of how much separate interests and alone time is required. What's your acceptable level of interconnectedness? Do you want to retain separate hobbies? Separate friends? Do you want to take separate vacations? Does your partner feel the same?
File under: Your visions of an ideal relationship are highly compatible, and You share a mutual respect and practice open communication.
9) "Puts up with your shit."
Mr. Lonely, your subject pronoun has run away again! Probably "she" was too exhausted by your misogyny in that last bit about needy women sending sad text messages.
There are aspects of all of us that perhaps aren't considered ideal by many people. If you or your partner find you have too many things you dislike about each other, you're probably not in a very healthy relationship. Everyone has quirks. Are they small things that are a little annoying, or large issues you find taxing, upsetting, exhausting, or otherwise intolerable? Are you really OK with the pile of shoes by the back door, or are you silently building resentment that will eventually result in slow poisoning?
File under: You don't hate each other. Not even a little bit.
10) "Takes no shit."
Mr. Lonely wants women to have "a little feistiness," which might be the most condescending way to say that, ever, in the history of all languages. I don't know, I haven't run the numbers. But he doesn't always know when he's being an asshole, so it's good for a woman to tell him!
You're making this too easy, Mr. Lonely.
Instead, perhaps, an ideal partner is one who asserts hir boundaries, and respects yours. This isn't always easy, but it is critical for a healthy partnership.
File under: You're both adults and You share a mutual respect and practice open communication.
11) "Silence"
Mr. Lonely almost got this right, and then threw something in there about "nonsense." (Wait, women just chatter constantly about nothing? And men don't really care what they have to say, it's just noise? Where on earth did you get that terribly original idea?")
How about this: You are comfortable with each other. You are able to sit in silence if neither of you has anything to say.
File under: You are comfortable around each other.
12) "She gets along with your friends."
Mr. Lonely, did you actually use the word "broad" in this one?
Also, while your heading is "She gets along with..." the explanation is more along the lines of "your friends like her." These are two different ideas, but lets discuss them together and make your awkward conflation a little less obvious.
If you're someone who has built friendships wisely and intentionally (which Mr. Lonely probably has not), your social circle is probably a bit like your personality, just expanded and spread among many different people. Jane and Jimmy share your optimism, while you connect with Katherine and Kyle over your love of birdwatching. Sarah and Stewart are part of your old-movie club.
Having a committee of different versions of you all in a room together can be very helpful when you're feeling out a new relationship. It's not as if your friends are voting on your partner, because it is your relationship, after all. But if many of your friends voice concern to you that they feel your partner is manipulative, dishonest, or abusive, it's a good idea to consider their feedback. Similarly, if your partner is put off by the Kyle's tendency to practice bird calls at parties, that might be an issue, especially if it's something you sometimes do, also.
File under: You have things in common and enjoy each other's company and You are comfortable around each other and Your visions of an ideal relationship are highly compatible and You don't hate each other. Not even a little bit.
13) "Her friends don't suck."
This is not actually much different than number 12, except we are at number 12 out of 15 and Mr. Lonely hadn't yet gotten a chance to use the word "wenches"! And he had to get those wenches in there, amirite?
File under: You have things in common and enjoy each other's company and You are comfortable around each other and Your visions of an ideal relationship are highly compatible and You don't hate each other. Not even a little bit.
14) "She doesn't expect you to like Jersey Shore."
Here's an experiment: "There is nothing more frustrating than when a [person] is expected to "like" something. For any [person] out there reading this: YOU CANNOT MAKE A [PERSON] LIKE SOMETHING. You just can't do it. You can make [hir] do it because it makes you happy, but you cannot make [hir] like it. A [person] who understands this is worth [hir] weight in gold."
With the exception of your terrible cliche there at the end, Mr. Lonely, you are quite right, once I replaced all your references to specific genders.
Hopefully you both understand that people's interests do not necessarily have to be 100% congruent. In a successful relationship, there will be some exchange and growth. You might introduce your partner to a new author, your partner might take you skiing for the first time, but that's not the same as pressuring someone to do something they really can't stand, or expecting them to adopt all of your interests.
File under: You have things in common and enjoy each other's company and You share a mutual respect and practice open communication and Your visions of an ideal relationship are highly compatible and You don't hate each other. Not even a little bit.
15) "Don't use PMS for an excuse."
For all of your terrible, terrible lack of consistent grammar and structure, Mr. L, this is your first use of imperative in a heading. It's as if your overwhelming pop-misogyny has refused to be relegated to the 90% of the column you tried to force it into, and is now spewing over, preventing you from making even a tidbit of sense.
But if we peel the sexist onion, we are left with a tiny sliver of useful, somewhere in there, and it is this: own your shit. If you in a shitty mood because you are having a shitty day, admit that. If you are crabby because your partner said something that upset you, tell them. If you have a killer headache and need to be left alone so that you don't turn into a raging asshole, then own it.
In an ideal relationship, both (all) people would be able to do this. In an ideal world, a writer would be able to do it, too, and address his own hang-ups instead of writing some utterly useless hostile advice column. Just sayin'.
File under: You share a mutual respect and practice open communication and You're both adults and You don't hate each other. Not even a little bit.
Look! I did it!
7 Obvious Signs That Your Relationship Isn't Total Crap
1) You're both adults.
2) You have things in common and enjoy each other's company.
3) You are sexually compatible.
4) You are comfortable around each other.
5) You share a mutual respect and practice open communication.
6) Your visions of an ideal relationship are highly compatible.
7) You don't hate each other. Not even a little bit.
These aren't very clever, or subversive, or even funny - but neither were yours, Mr. Lonely. Maybe you should try my list instead.
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